Update

Here's what's new...Nothing.

There has been another pretrial date set. So, the waiting game continues. I'm so tired of this crap!

Steve loved St. Patrick's Day, considering he was 1/2 Irish.

Cornstarch

A little on the light hearted side.

Ella had started to climb out of her crib a few months ago, so I had to put her crib up against the wall and sort of "cage" her in (for lack of a better word). I didn't want her to keep falling out & getting hurt.

Anyway, I was cleaning up in her room the other day and set a box of cornstarch on her dresser that is up against the edge of her crib. I forgot to move the cornstarch.

Yesterday, I put Ella down for her afternoon nap. She cried a bit & after a while she was quiet. That's usual for her. Shortly after, though, she started crying again. It wasn't a real cry, sort of whiny. Then I heard her saying "dirty." I thought eventually she'd fall asleep. She continued with this whiny cry and saying "dirty."

I finally went in her room b/c I wanted to see why she kept repeating "dirty." Well, when I opened her bedroom door, here's what I saw:

AND

I was cracking up! I also took a little video clip! She was enjoying playing in it!

Steve really would've gotten a kick out of this! His words replayed in my head: "If she's anything like I was when I was a kid, we're in for it!" I guess I'm in for it b/c she's so much like him! I'm so grateful for that.

Obituary

Back in November, I got a bill from Baldwin Fairchild (funeral home) for almost $350. I had no idea what this was for b/c I knew for a fact that there was no outstanding balance left. Everything had been taken care of shortly after Steve's services.

The first time I called, I couldn't even get through to the rep that was listed. I gave up b/c I tried and tried. Super frustrating. I called again a day or so later. I finally got a hold of Marta at ext. 4. She said the bill was for the obituary! I couldn't believe it!! Are you serious? First of all, the day that we were at the funeral home, making all of the funeral arrangements, my sister in law gave her credit card # to pay for the obituary. I was there! She was sitting right next to me when she did so! Second of all, if they're claiming the obituary wasn't paid for, why the hell are they waiting until NOVEMBER??? 10 months later!

Now they're claming they don't have a record of my sis in law's credit card payment. And, of course, the guy that helped us through all of the planning doesn't work there anymore!

I told this woman, Marta at ext. 4, that my sis in law paid for it. My sis in law called her and has left messages, hasn't heard back from her. They sent me a certified letter saying that if I don't take care of the balance, they're going to send me to an outside collection agency! And just last week, I got another call from Marta saying the same thing! They'll have no choice to send me to collections! I could call her back and pay the balance, or better yet, go to the funeral home, in person and pay the balance there!! Such crap!

Signs??

I had a dream about Steve the other night. When ever I dream about him, it's always short and sometimes I have a hard time remembering the details. Here are some of the details I remember. He was laying down on his stomach (don't know where or on what), he had his shirt off. He had his head turned to the side, resting on his arms (hope you can picture it). I walk up to him, kneel down next to him and lay my head on his back, between his shoulder blades. I guess he was sleeping. When I put my head on his back, he lifted his head up and asked me "What happened to me?" I couldn't answer. He said to me "This isn't supposed to be happening." We kissed softly. That's all I remember.

It sucks. I wish he would stay longer. I wish we had conversations that I could remember! I miss him so much.

Every day, I look over at "his table" where I have several pictures of him, his ashes, his flag & a "hero" statue that Misty gave me. I tell myself I can't believe that this is all I have physically left of him. I had that same thought today. Today is hit me harder for some reason. I picked up each picture frame, one by one & just kept saying "I miss you so much! I miss you so much!"

I have a friend, Leigh, who lost her dad to cancer this past August (08). She and I have known each other since the 7th grade - going on 20 years. Her parents were what everyone would say was the perfect couple! They were both awesome! His death devastated her, her mom, brother & everyone that knew him. She and I try to console each other when we talk and just try to be there for each other, since we sort of understand each other's loss.

Today, I got a package in the mail. It was from Leigh's mom, Joni. There was a book in it called "Hello From Heaven." She also enclosed a card that was just so touching. As I was crying, reading what she had to say, I was telling myself what great people they all were - Leigh, Joni & the late Lance. I was lucky to have these people care about me. Joni also enclosed a prayer that she told me she has to say everyday.

As a believer in God, this prayer is so appropriate. I'm sure most of you have heard or read at least the beginning. Here it is:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Taking as He did the sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will. That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.

It was just so appropriate to me that I got this wonderful package from Joni, who is also suffering the loss of her husband.

Then, tonight I took the girls to church. Ella goes to the child care where she gets to play, Ciana goes to the children's church (which she loves) and I go into the adult service. I think I realize it more and more, everytime I go to church. This is where I feel him the most. Not just God's presence but Steve's too. Everytime I go, I cry. For so many reasons. I miss him, I wish he were there w/me, it sucks to be at church alone sometimes and I can imagine how wonderful it must be to be in Heaven with Jesus!! I wonder what Steve is feeling, being in Heaven w/his God but being away from his family here on Earth. It's beyond my comprehension!

Everything combined, starting from the dream to Joni's package to the overwhelming feelings I get when I'm in church. Are they signs from my beloved?